Post-traumatic growth

When I started painting 5 years ago my intention was to follow a dream of becoming an abstract expressionist. I figured why should multiple sclerosis stop me. But yet to this day no matter how hard I try, I can not finish a painting unless it’s in the style of realism. I have spent hours agonizing over why this is so. Although your article made reference to using fantasy as a way to regain what one has lost through illness by taking on traits of super heroes, I think most of us who paint with disabilities do so in order to gain some resemblance of control in our lives and an attempt to re-create a perfection we feel we may have lost?

I find this a very interesting subject because I was abused through most of my childhood, and very angry as a result. I painted my feelings of bad memories and unreliable protectors for years. Now I’ve healed a lot of the hurt, but now I feel that my work lacks the deep feeling that was there when I was painting the pain! Right now, my life is great……..but my work is boring, and I feel less compelled to do it as well. What now? Do I whack my toe with a hammer and go at it. Jeeeeeeez! What a weird dilemma.

Your column comes at a very relevant time for me. Having survived many difficulties, I just found out that there’s another struggle ahead that will take all my strength and wits to get through. There are other people depending on me. We really do have super powers, and we got them through perseverence. We can paint or write anything we can think of, if only we can figure out how to do each work.

My friend Ken Levy is my Daughters ex husband. He is 65 and has had Parkinson’s for over 10 years. But he loves to paint and he came over to my place to show me some of his latest paintings. We have shared a venue to show and sell our paintings before. I just love his enthusiam for what he is doing and it is amazing. He paints and then add more colour on this computer. I wish I had one of the paintings right now to show you. If Ken can do it a lot of the rest of us who have woes can do it. Keep in trying. But draw out your inner love of what you are doing.

While going through cancer treatment 3 years ago, I felt it would never end and that I would never get back to painting. Slowly but surely I began to feel better and finally when people asked me how I was doing, I replied “I feel like Superwoman!” as there were days when I actually did feel that way – unstoppable. I think I have become bolder, stronger and definitely more appreciative of our time on earth. I pray for your readers going through tough times for better days ahead.

Karen Horney described the quandary of some trauma victims’ need to develop a false (super) self and to give that self special privileges…this results in difficulties with others. The trick is to become aware of that process in one’s self. There are lots of ways around/through this but once it is worked through, a lot of intelligence is freed from the burden of carrying around that false self. A side note…In my childhood, Wonder Woman was my superhero. One day my sister and I dyed all our underwear green for our Batman and Robin Costumes. Our mother was not amused when she looked at the clothes line.

Thank you for these encouraging words….I have Macular Degeneration my paintings are getting bolder and more colorful than ever….they can take my drivers license but no one can take away my paintbrush….

When undergoing cancer treatment, I decided to throw caution to the wind, and paint any wild and crazy thing I wanted. An entire new series came out of this struggle, which continues through the fourth year out, and is the subject of four recent successful shows.

At the moment I am undergoing the trauma of my Art teacher of 14 years, retiring at the end of May. It is a bittersweet ending, bitter because I don’t want his classes to end, but sweet because I know this will be good for me to progress or digress in my artistic abilities. It will open new opportunities for me and new directions. Although it is scary, it is also exciting. I have had to make changes like this before and although they are difficult, I have found new skills and talents and strengths which were either latent or I developed. I had a major trauma in my life about 20 years ago which led me into the world of Art and what a wonderful experience it has been for me. It was like a reawakening and I have had so much enjoyment from it. Even if I decided to throw in the towel now (which I know that I will never do), I would feel that I have had one of the richest experiences in my life and that I am grateful to have found it. In adversity, we do find strength.

I have two grandsons. One is five and a half and the other is a year and a half old. Both of these young boys are beautiful. One became the others best friend. Both these boys live in a home about twenty feet from my back door where my son and his wife live. It is an amazing thing. I am not fighting any of these conditions of which you are describing in this letter. I am most fortunate. The secret of life is to have something to live for. There are children all across this world that need adults. They can be one’s own relatives, or they can just be kids. I taught art in public school for many years. I have so many kids! I cannot walk on any street in my town without meeting a former student. My eldest grand child is always a super hero. I work every day to get him down. At this time of year, I bring him down to the strawberries, and the artichokes. I suppose that this is my job.

I know of an artist friend who was stricken with cancer which affected her dominant arm but after cancer treatment she trained herself to paint with her non dominant arm. She went on to paint the most incredible portraits and go on winning as many awards as before. Never give up or surrender to illness.

This is a thoughtfully sensitive reply to some sad issues. Well done. All art isn’t on canvas. And I hope if or when I find myself in similar circumstances, I find the courage you speak of.

In an hour of need I was told by someone I feel was stronger than myself that, “If I had what seemed an insurmountable problem to overcome – jump into the middle of it and not turn away.” What I discovered upon doing this was twofold; one- the problem wasn’t as insurmountable as I thought and two- the strength and confidence I attained fortified me for many future events that were to stand in my way. When things are turning bad, the first thing most do is feel sorry for themselves, which is a natural response, but we meet it head on we most often find many problems are solvable.

I had a stroke in 2003 and was left with left sided weakness on the right side of my body. I have poor balance and can walk on a flat surface for short distances but for outside I walk with a walker. I am right handed and that is the worst part of my disability because it is hard for me to hold my brush steadily that sometimes when I like to draw a line it turns out crooked or sometimes I drop things that are heavy and writing is also a challenge. I still have this condition and perhaps I will not regain full recovery of my right side. On my part I am grateful that I still have this gift of life to enjoy with my family and friends. I am learning to be ambidextrous specially with my painting. I accept my limitations but never give up. I keep trying; doing my exercises and eating healthy foods. I think that acceptance of the condition that it maybe permanent but not giving up trying to do the things we can do and trying to go a little farther is the way to cope with disabilities. I don’t think that having a superhero is helping anyone. Believing in oneself and doing the best you can is all that matters.

I don’t think that reading comics or watching movies is going to help anyone do anything exempt pass time. Helping yourself is about “doing” not “not doing”.

A mechanism for overcoming many problems is “role playing”. It also works when you are staring at a blank canvas for whatever reason–a brush with illness, breakup in relationships, etc. So, just pretend that you are Renoir, Munch, or Warhol and go and attack that canvas as you think that they would. It will get you over that “hump” and you can later find your familiar niche.

Thank you for this letter. I was in a serious accident and have been suffering with PTSD after a bad concussion. I couldn’t paint for months. Now I am back to painting, and my style is different, but for the good!

Recently I had a melanoma on my foot of all places. It was stage 2 and so I needed extensive surgery on it. Then, of course, I was laid up, unable to walk on it for weeks. During those few weeks I painted several small paintings at my kitchen table (unable to go to my studio alone) with acrylic paints my hubby bought me from WalMart. I painted depictions of a lake where I go with family every summer. I included family members, dogs and inner tubes, boats and docks. Then when I was able, I framed them, wrapped them up and sent them to delighted family members. I almost wish I could recapture the joy I felt at that time without the trauma behind it. But alas, now that I’m better and can walk to my studio, I don’t feel like doing a thing. I keep asking myself ‘What the hell is wrong with you girl?’ and getting no answer at all. UNTIL you sent this last letter. Thank you, your friend in my new superhero costume, CAT WOMAN!

In response to “evil is often merely in need of shooting, beheading or blowing up” I had a pivotal moment in therapy a few years ago. Up until then my life had been filled with night terrors. I picked up a figurine of “The Scream” and held it in my hand. When I did my immediate reaction was to burst out laughing. What a cathartic moment that was and a big leap in my understand of myself.

A comment to the super hero newsletter that I just read this morning! Yes, even artists feel the need for costume. How many of us, before standing in front of our work area robe ourselves with some kind of “super hero” outfit be it an apron, an over-sized shirt, a lab coat of some sort, a favorite cap, etc! The simple act of this article being placed upon our bodies gives us the sense of a oneness, if you would, with the paper or canvas before us. With this simple gesture we become transformed, now able to face the empty expanse before us. Alas, even a “super hero” can have a bad day and the job doesn’t always get done, but until we place our favored outfit back on the hook, hanger or chair we are expecting something great to come from our hands. For me, it is all about what you do with what you have been given. You can become a victim of life’s surprises and let it take you where it will OR you can make the most of every door that has been opened to you be it good, bad or ugly! After all, being a super hero does require making choices on the road to our own destiny! We don’t always make the best choice but it is our choice and ours alone to choose the direction we will go.

Nothing to do with this posting, but I was wondering whether you had any thoughts as to working at different times of the day. I find that on certain projects, I cannot start working before three or four in the afternoon and then often continue on till three or four in the morning. It usually is when I am under the gun with a deadline, like the illustrations I am presently finishing up for a picture book. I faff around all day doing laundry, checking the postbox, cleaning out cupboards etc avoiding my desk, like a female dog circling and circling before lying down to give birth. I find that I need to wait for the magic hours, when life outside becomes still and quiet and dark, and the telephone never rings.

This relates to the dark night of the soul, and the need for great heroes to experience the underworld. Some traumas can be totally disabling, while others challenge the individual’s ability to persevere.

It would be interesting for your readers to check out two of our national Canadian treasures: Earl Bailly, who was rendered quadriplegic at the age of three and Maud Lewis who suffered from juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. True inspirations!

My current condition brought to mind John holmes as a super hero, not sure where to get the costume!

An accident, surgery, family events, altered physical abilities, finances, even a diagnosis can be traumatic … it is all part of the human condition. We would have to hunt a long time to find someone NOT affected by such things. That’s life, and some of us have had more than our fair share. Super heroes never appealed to me except as campy distractions. No, the indomitable human spirit is what is super. Couple our human spirit with the help and influence of The Spirit and you have a truly remarkable force. When we are faced with such situations we compensate for what is lost. We might have to change our style of painting, or where, or what — but especially why. Post traumatic art creation is often done for ourselves. The result may not be all that evident in my work but I recognize it in my personal perspective. For all the trials, past and ongoing, I wouldn’t change that experience for anything. Because I know without any doubt God is in absolute control and I take great comfort in that.

I had a traumatic childhood by any standard. Then my son was born with one of the worst cases of “open spine” seen in our region. My life has been deeply changed and saddened by my father’s suicide and our son’s continuing life and death struggles. I have done a series of small works titled “It’s My Life” and one image is “The Unheard Scream” depicting my leaving my Dad in a locked ward with him at the small window in the door. To me it epitomizes my grief. Yet a recent visitor to the site left a note that we all have hard times in school! A humbling comment, indeed, showing my lack of ability to show my deepest angst in paint. I guess it will never be worth 19 million like Munch’s Scream so it is just as well it is NOT FOR SALE. I would say to people try to express your experiences – and don’t forget the happy ones, even if it is a MOMENT here or there. I think that has helped me. Betty Pieper AKA Elzbieta Zemaitis http://elzbieta-zemaitis.artistwebsites.com

What about Snow White, could it be possible for Snow White to be a Super Hero?

You’re talking about the doppelganger. We all have one whether we know it or not. Sometimes it’s a superhero, sometimes the superego. It can help us get over trauma, or induce the trauma. Sometimes it’s Faust, sometimes Mephistopheles. Sometimes it’s the Grand Inquisitor, sometime his prisoner. I think maybe artists can see these inner selves better than normal people. Goethe and Dostoyevsky wrote about them, Caravaggio, Bosch and Goya painted them. They reveal themselves in our work. Once I came to the party as St. George, along with my double, the dragon. Adversity can be overcome! PS. We send our superheros–our golems, spidermen, batgirls–out into the world or into our studios to do things we would never attempt ourselves.

Your message on”post-tramatic growth” hit home. I have just come through three months of debilitating back pain..spending most of my time lying on the floor, visiting the ER and all kinds of therapists. During that time with my laptop and IPad, I researched, journaled and thought a lot. When I was able to paint again…I was sooooooooo very grateful. I was more selective, more careful, and turned out a series full of passion and joy. In the end, a positive growth experience.

The concept of UP-ROOTED resonates with my experience over the last couple of years with a dramatic life change in my vision following a series of three surgeries on one eye for retina detachment. I was uprooted by the experience from much that I took for granted in the interpreting of visual stimuli onto a two dimensional format because of the distortion that became a compelling factor in my vision. My skills for application of paint also had to be revised to adjust for change in my depth perception which impacted the physical relationship between the brush and the canvas. Once I accepted that although I still had vision, I would not be seeing in the same way that I had learned to expect, I searched for different visual entry points from which to craft a painting. Following my physical up-rooting, opportunities arose for experimentation leading to new directions, constructs, and images in my art. To my established methods of application of paint by brush and roller, techniques were added: flows of liquid paint to produce staining in areas, use of raw canvas, dripping paint, physical manipulation and dispersing of wet paint on a support by tipping and shaking, drawing using a stream of poured paint. These marks formed a random and abstract under-painting. This under-painting suggested the subject rather than starting with a preconceived idea of an image or photo reference material. A subject, usually with certain representational elements was then added working with the tensions created by the reconciling of abstract and representational elements. Because I have spent many years painting the forest as a subject, this subject has often continued to surface. I was at Emma Lake Kenderdine Art Campus in the summer of 2011 within days after a big storm had gone through the campus leaving vast devastation in its wake. In response to the many up-rooted and broken trees the concept of UP-ROOTED was planted in my repertoire of forest images. The juxtaposition of up-rootedness as an image with those of re-growth, rallying, building, is an intriguing creative inquiry and is my current muse.

Hi Robert, Writing this with a smile on my face. I read your last line about Minnie Mouse. You are not only wise and sometimes profound, but hysterical. Ha! Best to you, and thanks.

Congratulations Robert on a fab newsletter today — I am very impressed with your knowledge of human nature never mind art.

Your Letter struck a chord with me. I lost my husband of 30 years this past February 21 after a devastating 13-month battle with esophageal cancer. He had never been sick; he even died with his tonsils intact, a rarity for those of us born in the mid-’50’s. During the time of his treatment and eventual final days in hospice, my art was and remains set aside. I am taking a brief trip soon, traveling solo with some portable sketching and watercolor supplies, and hope to find both myself and my “muse” again. Thank you for this inspiring piece. I am printing off a copy and putting it in my suitcase. I was at the South Surrey/White Rock Art Society meeting last month at which you spoke. I appreciate your “24 Points” and found them to be of great merit. Perhaps our paths will cross someday. In the meantime, Thank you

Seven years ago my daughter was born, it took about 6 months for the ‘medical’ community to acknowledge that something was not ‘right’ with our wee girl. We have struggled through this primarily on our own and through our own initiative have improved the quality of her and our lives. After 6 years of major sleep deprivation I finally decided to go on antidepressants to re-balance my brain chemistry (as a result of sleep deprivation) and to help myself cope with daily life. The positive side of all this is (besides a beautiful daughter) that we have changed our whole lives for the better, we have stepped away from the consumer world and are creating our own piece of paradise here in Morere, New Zealand where our whole family can flourish in a healthy rural environment. We have accomplished this for our family and that makes us superheroes!

I retired from teaching in 2004 and had a retirement goal of learning how to oil paint. I started taking classes in Sept. of that year. Then, in November, the day after our Thanksgiving, my only son was killed in a car accident. It put me in a tailspin!! And still does, but, my painting was my salvation–after several weeks away I continued on with my lessons and I have been somewhat successful with my painting avocation! I love it and am always up for a challenge!–But, too late for a career!

Our son died July 2, 2011. He was 29 years old and working on is dissertation. The day he died I was painting. I have included a silhouette figure in many of my landscapes and always, always it was my son. That day as I painted, alone at my house – he out with a friend at a climbing site here in the mountains – I again put him in my painting. Beside him, on a whim I included another figure. I thought of it as myself. I even painted the shirt the color of one I wear hiking. By noon we were on our way to the hospital. He had fallen while rappelling from the climb. Twenty five percent of all climbing deaths occur while rappelling. I have been painting. It has been so hard. I have been writing more. I started a blog at word press called “ofmenandmountains”. I have always written and this has become a form of therapy for me. Painting seems empty. Yet I do it anyway. I do it partially because my son was a great one to encourage me in my process. I fight depression. He was an organ donor. Six people are living very well now because of his donor status. I am looking for meaning. It is difficult to find. I hope to push through. The paintings I have done since he died seem lifeless. I have no idea what super-hero I could choose. I used to tell my students. Life is short, paint fast. Little did I know.

Dear Robert, I had surgery and felt terrific afterward so told the doctor “no thanks” when he asked if I wanted pain medication for my home recuperation. A few hours after I got home the pain was so great, I was hallucinating. Here is my best recollection of my epiphany: I promised God I would no longer cook, clean or do laundry. I would just paint. I saw a very bright light. I felt that I became that light. The pain subsided. When I awoke from this vision I felt light happy and so excited to start painting again. The two people that were not elated about my experience were my mother and husband, but that didn’t deter me. I was free. I hired help cleaning and shared cooking details. Everything was different. My career as a painter really began here. Thanks, Robert, for keeping us connected in our one true language.

I actually think Minnie Mouse is a very friendly and powerful person. Case in point..I bought my two year old granddaughter a Minnie Mouse red and white polka dot wallet for 4 dollars two years ago… Last weekend she brought it to me with much pride and pleasure..”look, grandma, I still have my Powerful purse you gave me!”. Minnie mouse somehow translated to ” powerful Purse “. To her …red and white is very powerful.

…..”as usual, I have a few comments….” I love that, Robert… I do too, but don’t have the audience, of course… “dress for success”, “dress for the job you want”… wear a superhero costume… all the same to me…….. I’m in the 15th week of having “that” cough/congestion thing that went around this winter… it whoooped me.. .. I missed winter completely… when they finally purged me with MANLY strong stuff, it took nearly a week to get the meds outta my system… and then pollen season started… which is still going strong here in NC……. in the meantime, I bought a pair of slax at a resale shop on a rare NEED TO GET OUT day… the resale shop is 10X closer than Jerry’s Artarama, but I wasn’t up to that trip. Anyway, the pants are soft and silky and clingy and I suddenly feel like the old me, before I felt bowed and trampled on by this coff… (you name your horse that tramples you, I’ll name mine)… I have a couple of blue/green tops I’ve been gravitating towards because they bring out my STARTLING blue green eyes… I think I’ve found my costume… I feel GOOD, well, (well-ER), younger (you & I share the year), more capable, clearer-headed… on the road to “Better”…. I tried a small pastel (my heart!) that I tore up… not taking to the dust well yet……. but I’m empowered, emboldened…. and still have a good turn of butt in silky slax, if I do say so myself!!! … surviving, ego intact……………. yep, costumes is a great idea…………………..

Those of you that have posted of deeply traumatic events … I want to hug all of you.

Dear Minnie, You are very sweet and powerful in your way. You are agreeable with others, cute and funny, and a bit submissive. You are easy to get along with but sometimes you won’t let Mickey kiss you. An admirer.

I was 8 years old the first time I was gay-bashed, for being not quite masculine enough, 50 years ago. So Robert, even your comments about pre-puberty joy are absurd. Some of us had that bashed out BB, BG, before everything. The Art came out anyway. However, I’d been fully on my art path for several years, struggling to survive, when I lost many hundreds of friends to AIDS. That situation then required that I evolve or die, now more than 20 years ago. But I re-committed myself to my art path post that self-healing phase. My opinion is that all people who are just ‘happy’ have no concept of what some of us have been through, and I find them utterly boring. There is a profound truth to being both. Good and bad. Positive and negative. Powerful and vulnerable. Masculine and feminine. Light and Dark. Not either/or. Not neither, but both, even All, and ending duality as we know it. Try growing up into that. In fact, standing before everyone naked yet invulnerable is what is gained, and it requires no costume.

Dear Minnie, You are stealing my popularity. Mickey

My hero has been Christ for many years. Dwell on that one! I was infatuated with super heros as a child, watching the cartoons every Saturday morning. When I grew up (kinda), I became both an artist and a Police Officer! When I could no longer be the Police, I became the artist full time. I still want to help save people…but now its through my artwork and being me. At least that is what I am trying to do. Strangely enough, a scripture just came to mind, in Ephisians I think it it, where they talk about putting on the armour of God; shield, sword, belt, helmet. Is this like putting on a costume? Food for thought.

Speaking for myself, having been involved with several forms of trauma for the past 5-6 years I’ve felt very happy to have art to go to when things are tough going. I have improved somewhat over the recent years but I won’t give life’s adversities credit for this. I prefer to think it is simply the act of sticking to it in spite of what is being handed out at the time. What better way to take your mind off problems than to look at a piece of art you created and learned something new at the same time. I have my superheroes but most of them have uniforms that are paint smeared and a bit ragged.

I disagree – we don’t have to don the garb and philosophy of pretend comic superheroes to overcome traumatic disease and events – we need to find the superheroes that exist in ourselves – we are all superheroes, all miracles, actually. As a cancer survivor, I can tell you from experience that each of us has an inner strength to deal with the seemingly overwhelming problems thrown at us and to become stronger by dealing with our misfortunes. Overcoming a disease, a calamity or something other serious event, we make a decision to either sit and suffer – or to take a deep breath, give it our best shot and fight back. Dealing with negative events enables us to appreciate life more and to love deeper and to live life “like nobody’s watching”. Art becomes sweeter; love becomes deeper; time becomes a commodity that you do actually spend and budget. Beauty is everywhere you look and capturing that beauty on canvas is a joy that you savor and value even more than before.

From a poem I read many years ago, Dryden, I remember: Happy the man, and happy he alone, he who can call today his own, he who so secure within, can say, tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived to day